Short Attention Span

I'm supposed to be attentive in class at the moment, but my mind wanders.

My right ear is blocked and it's shockingly frustrating. I sympathise with people who have hearing problems.

I wish I could put my thoughts and feelings into boxes with different labels and deal with them on that basis, not all at once. It all seems too overwhelming when I look at the big picture.

My head is pounding and my face has had a perpetual frown all day long.

I try so very hard to stay optimistic, positive, energetic, independent, content and motivated. It's harder than it looks.

That's what she said..

I wonder who controls my Sim. Why does he not fulfill my wants and needs? Why does he let me go hungry and without proper rest? Why does he allow me to live a mundane life with no promise of excitement, intrigue, suspense, joy or bliss?

Wait a minute.. I'm not a Sim. I'm only human. Shouldn't I be asking myself these questions instead of claiming that someone else is responsible for my happiness and sanity?

Shouldn't I be answering these questions and overcoming all obstacles and hardships with the strength inside of me? It's harder than it looks.

I create what I think is a healthy routine, but it inevitably reaches rock-bottom every time. I have days where my euphoria is absolute. Nothing can upset me on those days, I become a little kid again, without fear, agenda or expectations.

The sheer innocence I possess on those days makes me feel as if I'm on a 'happy pill', on a high that can't seem to be justified or explained.

How do I hold on to that?

So that I can get through the dark days I also experience?

Days when I feel utterly alone, abandoned and without hope. Days when I wake up and I am completely empty. Days that are completely driven by my wayward emotions. I cry at the drop of a hat, but ten minutes later I am laughing till my sides hurt. I get angry at situations and people that I cannot change, but ten minutes later I wonder why no one wants to be around me.

I've concluded that I am slightly neurotic but I know that my heart is in the right place.
On my sleeve.

I am not the kind of person that feels something but doesn't express it. I don't know how else to be. I've spent too much of my life trying to please other people, grasping for acceptance, approval and being understood.

Each moment is fleeting and I wish to savour every single one.

The only person I really need to gain understanding and acceptance from, is myself.
I like me. In fact, I love me and I want me to be happy.
Isn't that what everyone strives for?

Life is too short to be miserable. Seriously. But having said that, we can't be ecstatic ALL the time. We also need to embrace imperfections and go through the motions that don't always go our way. I personally have to emote each feeling I get when I'm getting them.

Certain people may not be able to relate or understand this about me. I would rather be an emotional neurotic than try to pretend I'm something or somebody else. I have a handful of people who get me, and that's truly all I need. Those few souls love and accept me for who I am. I thrive on this notion and it is the sole reason that I am still sane.