Chester Bennington. I can't even listen to your music anymore without breaking down like a little girl. Did you really take your own life? There were speculations about you being murdered. Either way I just can't believe you're gone. Even though we were strangers, I feel like I knew you, just from the words in your songs.
I don't seem to be doing well lately. My low days have come back in full force. I have a great job that I enjoy, good friends, a supportive family and a man that actually wants to marry my psycho ass.
But there are days where I wake up and I don't have the motivation or determination to see the day through. I have had dark thoughts of self-harm, having an accident, being hospitalized and even suicide. Is this what Chester faced before he decided he had had enough of this life?
What are the lessons I'm meant to be learning? Why do I still feel like I'm going in circles? Do I just suck at being an adult? Should I travel more? Do I need new friends? How do I turn this around? Have I lost my will to live?
Sometimes, this world, and the people in it really really SUCK. Innocent men, women and children die everyday. Animals and the environment are abused. Murderers and rapists get away with heinous crimes and greedy politicians and governments become more and more corrupt in their thirst for power while the poverty-stricken continue to suffer.
I always thought I'd want to have kids, at least one child. Shower them with love, affection, play with them, make them laugh, teach them good values and the difference between right and wrong. It wouldn't matter too much to me if they weren't that book smart, as long as they were kind and compassionate people that gave a shit about their fellow man. After I turned 30, I had more moments of wanting to just wander the planet alone instead of starting a family or getting married.
Of course I love my fiance, he gets me in so many ways and puts up with a LOT of eccentricities and sensitivities that I bring to the table. At times he isn't exactly the easiest partner to be with either but there is no such thing as a perfect relationship and both parties have to be on the same page if they want to make it work between them, right? My question would be, could 2 people really know each other to such a degree that they would want to spend the rest of their lives as partners to each other and parents to children that they decide to bring into the world? Don't people change along the way? Am I overthinking this?
I'm definitely not the same person I was 10 years ago, hell I'm not even the same person I was 5 years ago. How do I know who I'll be 5/10/15/20 years from now? Will I still want the same things? Would I have become jaded after living the same life and going through the motions for so long? Where will I end up? Will I ever be truly happy? Is there anyone out there that is?
I look at my engagement ring and instead of getting carried away with romantic daydreams of our wedding and fairy tale endings, I see piles of never-ending bills, laundry duties, zero personal space, being broke and not being able to travel as much as I'd like to, arguments about who's turn it is to soothe the baby after only a few hours of sleep, a lack of intimacy with my partner after being bogged down with non-stop work and errands. Is that what a marriage is supposed to be? I sure as hell hope not. That future looks bleak, bland and boring. Of course, bumps in the road are inevitable and part of life as an adult, but I don't want to stop having fun.
I don't mean that I refuse to take life seriously, I just want to be able to stay optimistic and always try to hold on to those exuberant feelings of being in love. Those carefree moments where you know it's just you and your partner, taking over the world together, laughing and talking about anything and everything under the sun, sharing experiences, both good and bad, instead of battling each other or pushing each other away.
My biggest fear is to become so co-dependent that I cannot exist without my significant other. I want us to have our own interests, our own financial stability and social calendars that sometimes include each other but not necessarily all the time. Not sure if this is seeing things through rose-colored glasses. Maybe I need a new prescription.
